I was recently shown a video of English comedian Ricky Gervais presenting the 'Top 10 stupid things Americans say to Brits' on the David Letterman Show. It was a bit Anglocentric for my liking so I have composed a Scottish alternative. I hope this is taken in good humour by any Americans reading.
Top 10 stupid things Americans say to Scots (or to this Scot at least):
10. "So what language do y'all speak in Scotland?"
- A lot of Americans seem genuinely shocked when I explain the first language in Scotland is English. I usually state that a small portion of the country also speak Gaelic to which they reply, "Yeah that's what I was thinking of when I said y'all don't speak English." Sure it was.
9. "Scotland and Ireland, it's the same country right?"
- Despite sharing a common interest in destroying our livers and our fellow countrymen in bar brawls, we are not the same country. The Irish have given the world great poets and writers, whereas the Scots have given the world great philosophers and inventors. Not sure who's been of greater value really.
8. "Why do you sometimes refer to yourself as British, you're not from England!"
- British refers to all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, that includes England, Scotland, Wales and (you guessed it) Northern Ireland. It's a bit of a tricky concept to grasp and even our southern neighbours get English and British mixed up from time to time.
7. "Do you have electricity/cars/ketchup in Scotland?"
- You'd be forgiven for thinking I was from Somalia the amount of times I'm asked if we possess basic amenities like the aforementioned.
6. "Oh you're from Scotland, do you know a guy called Jim, he's from Scotland as well."
- Although we are a small nation compared to the US, the likelihood of me knowing everyone in Scotland, given there's 5 million of us, is slim.
Judging by this advertisement, Scots aren't the only ones getting asked this question.
5. "You're Scottish? So am I!"
- Usually asked in a thick southern drawl, this really boils down to Americans' obsession with their heritage. An obsession most Europeans do not share. Simply having Scottish ancestry does not make you Scottish. Be proud to be an American, if you're not who will be!
4. "There's a Glasgow in Scotland? I guess it was named after the Glasgow here."
- Admittedly I didn't personally hear this but was told of it by my dear father. I'm guessing world history wasn't a subject deemed of much value by teachers in Glasgow, Kentucky.
3. "Do you play the bagpipes?"
- Nope. Sometimes I don't even wear a kilt.
2. "Is the UK really part of Europe? I had no idea."
- While the UK is separate from mainland Europe geographically speaking, it is most definitely part of the continent. If we're not in Europe then we should really thinking about reclaiming the £4.7 billion the UK contribute towards the EU each year (that's about $6 billion).
1. "So is Scotland, like, in England?"
- No. England is in Scotland.
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Hahaha nice job. I get number ten quite a bit or when finding out I am from Scotland 'wow your English is really good'- would hope so being the only language I can speak.
ReplyDeleteWicked!!! I really like this list! My favorite one may be number 5. You are funnier than what I thought!Just kidding... :) You'll have to explain me your relationship with the traditional kilts though, cause it is still an enigma in my mind. And with food...(haggies are more disgusting than HORSES fo sho! haha)
ReplyDeleteYeah a lot of Americans are impressed by my English and ask how long I've been learning for. I usually say about 2 years.
ReplyDeleteYou can't judge until you've tried it, Tiphaine.
I got told by a lovely woman in my local bank in Germany, having just carried out a conversation with her exclusively in German, that my English was really good. A couple of confused looks later, she exclaimed, "Ach nein, Mensch! I mean, your *German* is really good!"
ReplyDeleteAnd my favourite question that I (and many other assistants I knew) in Saxony (former communist East Germany, for those who don't know - Neil, I know you know!): "Do you have McDonalds in Scotland?" Um, yes, and we've had it for a lot longer than you have, you know. A bit of history teaching lacking there too, I fear. This followed by, " Right...but do you actually have any *real* restaurants, you know, like, NOT McDonalds, in Scotland?"
PS Thank you for including one of my favourite adverts on this page!
ReplyDeleteBetter than Ricky Gervais's list.
ReplyDeleteJust to be pedantic it was Glasgow, Montana where the local got a lesson in historical geography.
You're welcome Katie and sorry dad, I really should have consulted with you before posting that story. Maybe Glasgow, Kentucky was named after Glasgow, Montana...
ReplyDeleteHow should I respond if they tell me my English is really bad?
ReplyDeleteExplain you went to a comprehensive school in Glasgow. Although make sure they realise you mean Glasgow, Scotland.
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough most Scots speak ... Scots. Not English. It's officially a different language and not just a dialect. Called Lallans. Strange how many Scots don't even know what they speak.
ReplyDelete